A joker fights the bat...

We traveled all Friday. Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong, bar the plane crashing, for which we showed some grudging gratitude. Putting the kids to bed, we drank our sorrows away in the safe knowledge that an exhausting travel day would leave them zonked out.

Nevertheless, on Saturday morning our kids woke up uncannily early and were bursting with energy. We came up here (high in the mountains) because we thought the lack of air would tire them out and give us the upper hand ;-) !

After much physical exercise in the AM we finally got them down for an afternoon nap, both at the same time.

Wait a second. You just read the above sentence. Why aren’t you clapping at this masterpiece of parenting?

Did you put your electronic device down and clap?

Thank you. Entirely appropriate.

Anyway, we’ve got our two kids down for a nap. Anna and I slouch on the couch too tired to congratulate ourselves on this moment of extreme peace. I close my eyes and hear her take a sudden, sharp intake of breath. My eyes open and look in the direction of my wife, but she is not on the couch, she has completely vanished from the room.

A few seconds pass before I see Anna’s head peaking from the doorway to the dining room.

The bat (video below)

“Did you see it?”

“See what?”

“The bat”

“Honey, there is no bat. You are just tired from travel.”

“Lorenz, I am telling you, there is a bat. Right there, on the fireplace screen.”

I look at the fireplace and look and behold, there is indeed a bat, hanging upside down (as all the cool bats do). Upon closer inspection the bat is fast asleep and I am overcome with a wave of jealousy. I was supposed to be the one sleeping!

(Continues below the video)

“What do we do? How are we... I mean you going to get it out of here?” asks Anna.

Enter Google and a quick search reveals that bats can be removed with towels, sticks, hazmat suits and setting your house on fire,  while other sites warn not to do those very things because of the threat of rabies. A quick search on WebMD reveals that if one is bitten by a rabid bat, one becomes immediately pregnant of Hitler’s vampire baby. Thank you very much, WebMD.

After contemplating the virtues of a homeless existence and considering the thrills of raising two kids on the streets of Colorado I decide that rabies is perhaps not such a bad thing, spurring myself into action.

A hilarious 20 minutes later, where I am donned in a hat, covered from top to toe in clothing in order to prevent any bites that would forever transform me into a bloodsucking creature of the night, I manage to carry the bat out of the room.

What?

Not impressed again?!

Yes, that's it! Thank you for that round of applause.